Premature Relationships-Feedback PLEASE

Before you even think or dream about jumping back into a relationship or the dating arena, you have to first be sure that you are ready on the inside. All too often we play hop scotch with relationships, constantly finding ourselves in failing squares.  So the very first thing we are going to briefly explore is some of the reasons why we insist on prematurely jumping into relationships, making their doom nearly inevitable.

FEAR & SECURITY

When we are single we tend to think negatively about our current situation, and the future (relationship wise). I am a firm believer that men tend to dwell too much on where their next sexual encounter is going to come from, while women worry about never finding a good man and reaching the crown goal of getting married.

We men fear facing a sexual drought; we probably spend at least 70% of our days thinking about sex, admiring a woman’s body, or bragging with the boys about what may have or may not have happened. When we are getting dressed for the clubs we are thinking about women, when we are washing  our cars we are thinking about women, when we are prepping for work, school,  even church, we are thinking about women.  We are always on the hunt, and what is a relationship to someone who is always looking for sex, convenience. Now that’s not to say that we men jump into relationships simply for sex, but that is definitely seen as a plus, one that tends to offset the unattractive suggestion of commitment to most of us. It’s not the only reason we enter relationships, we do it for the long run just like women, but we don’t worry about the long run as much as women because we have certain advantages.

1. Women outnumber us overwhelmingly, so our fear of actually getting one is relatively small.

2. Women allow us to keep them on our string without wholeheartedly committing to a relationship. Many will argue that this isn’t true but think about this, a man has a better chance of getting his woman back after he has cheated than a woman getting her man back after cheating.

3. It is socially acceptable for a man to be promiscuous as oppose to a woman, who will be labeled as anything from a whore to a slut if she acts in the same way.

Women on the other hand, have a different problem. They spend a lot of the their time thinking about when their perfect guy is going to come along and sweep them off of their feet and whisk them away to their wedding day. The older they are the more fear they experience while they are single, a fear of never finding that man and living out the rest of their lives single or settling for something that falls well short of their dreams.

So this is all about security, men (At least the young ones) want to be to be secure that there sexual needs will always be met AND that they have a good woman when they are ready to settle down, and women want to be secure in the fact that they will have a lifelong partner, and that he will be a good man. We make a lot of mistakes seeking out security in the wrong

places. We must seek it from GOD and not another man or woman. Here is what happens we seek it out our way.

Titles like girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancé, husband and wife have been socially constructed to give people a sense of security. They let the world know that their significant other is taken, and once a person accepts that title it serves as a reminder that they belong to someone, and their playing days are over—well, supposedly. Women won’t usually go too far without a title, there can only be so many dates until she brings up the question “So what are we? What is this?” they feel that they need those titles to be secure in the relationship, but the reality of it is the fact that women hole more value to titles than men do. While women may be on her best behavior once they receive that title, nothing is really going to change much in a man’s mind unless he is really serious about the relationship. You see while a woman’s transition is at the snap of a finger, it takes a little while for a man to grasp the idea that he is now taken. This is why we often times here men say, “yeah I cheated, but it was in the beginning so it really doesn’t count.”

This is no secret; men understand this and use it to their advantage all the time. We give a woman the title that she desires in order to keep her home while we still go out to play. Yes ladies, we enter relationships just to lock you down, the good girl that we want to marry one day-but we just can’t get too serious with right now because we have to get the games out of our systems.

This is the wrong way to go about entering a relationship. No one should be forced into one, and no one should subject themselves to a relationship that is not giving them what they deserve.

Running away

Sometimes we run away from the pain of a broken relationship and into the arms of another, we call this a rebound. I’ve found that while we are in pain we leave ourselves vulnerable and open to new relationships. We need something to bandage the hurt left behind, and the best temporary solution to that is the novelty of a new relationship. It is especially dangerous when we fall in love, because our infatuation for a person can serve as a cloud for the pain or feelings remaining from the last relationship. But when the novelty of it all has melted away, and cloud of love in love has passed , all that junk will still be there, and will most likely be the cause for the demise of the rebound relationship.

LONLINESS

Once we grow accustomed to having someone in our lives, we tend to make them a part of who we are; in many cases we even make our lives about them. So when we are suddenly thrown into the singe life, we feel as though we are missing something. On top of being by one’s self, it is that void that has been left within that leaves us feeling even lonelier. Being lonely hurts, especially when we see others together-taking us back to what we once had. This applies to both men and women, because no one is immune to it, however different people do act differently in the situation. No one likes to be lonely, and many times we tend to jump into relationships prematurely in order to escape loneliness

I used to always say that I would rather be lonely than heartbroken; now, after experiencing the epitome of loneliness while overseas in Iraq, I don’t know if I feel quite the same way. Back then, while everybody had someone sending them letters, gifts and goodies, I got nothing. I didn’t even have anybody to chat with on AIM, so I just surfed through love connection sites for hours at a time. There is no shame in telling you that, because we all have our own crazy ways of going after things we are desperate for, and to be honest with you I would have done just about anything for a lil’ care package back then. We must learn not only how to be single, but how we can benefit from being alone.