Crush-Spoken Word

I’m so emotional…

But there’s no tears

Kind of like Janet Jackson in that movie, How did I get married

My chest ignites in your presence, cold sweat buds from my brows, and my muscles tremble beneath my skin. I can barely function and my knees weaken by the second.

I ‘m within an arms length of you, reaching out, desperately hoping to grasp hold of some of what makes you, you

Inches closer now and within the aura of your sweet fragrance.

I can’t help but to close my eyes and be taken back to dreams of heaven. Within the limits and boundaries of my mortal and trivial mind, I bask in the glory of a place wherein every color in the spectrum is recognized as magnificently beautiful. The streets of gold are clouded by…clouds. And the air is filled with the soft sounds of a million angel chorus in praise of our king. Peace swiftly captivates me.

And for seconds more of it I would gladly exchange this short life.

You remind me of the few sweet moments of my childhood.

-deep breath-

Like a whiff of my grandmother’s German chocolate cake for my birthday

Or the way my mother would melt my heart in the midst of anger with a single kiss on the cheek

Flashes of my father tickling me until tears fell from my face and I couldn’t laugh anymore.

Flashes of the few family trips we took to the beach, and the feeling of for once, actually having a choice, it was either roger rabbit, or wet and wild.

Your sweet scent continues to take me back to beautiful instances, like the first time I made my father proud, or when my sister first looked into my eyes and said “I love you big brother”

(SNAP)

back into reality I realize that I’m just inches away,

In my mind I am praying to God “Give this to me, please, I need this.”

These words trigger something within myself, which is the realization that its been said before.

And past experiences tell me that I could be so wrong.

And if so, why is it that God is so willing to give me the desires he knows will set me back.

Why give me this job when you know I’m going to hate it

Why give me extra sleep when you know I’m going be late.

Why give me this car when you know I can’t handle the bill

Why give me a sister when you know she is going to get on my nerves

But most importantly, why give me a love that you know will eventually and inevitably break and disappoint me.

 

Just a hair away and an overwhelming sense of completeness begins to embrace me tighter than night embraces the moon in order to illuminate its dark skies, because even the night enjoys the beauty of this magnificent and pulchritudinous world. It feels like every beautiful emotion that God created, magnified, energized, amplified, is running wild through my mind, body, and soul. I’m going crazy.

Like the moment I was pulled from depths of those cold waters, seconds away from submitting to its unrelenting will to capture my last breath and rest my body at the bowels of it’s existence. Like the moment that bullet with my name written on it screamed in misery, disgust and disbelief at the fact that it missed its mark. Like the moment I fell to my knees before the throne of God, seeking from him forgiveness and the creation of a clean heart within me. Just like those moments, I feel saved.

Like the moment I found out I was given away, but to a family that accepted me so much so as its own that to this day I still don’t believe it. Like the bite of a cool apple in the midst of a dry and fiery desert, and like the earth of this country that I kissed vehemently upon returning from a war in which thousands have already been killed. Like all of those moments, I feel blessed.

AL-MOST-THERE

But before I can touch you, you turn around and impress upon me a smile brighter than the sky on Easter morning when everything just feels…right.

And though I delight in your smile I’m forced to pause for a moment and think about the fact that…I don’t know you.

You are what children dream of and what adults look back on with laughter. You are everything I have ever wanted, but know little of. You are what you are because of what I have constructed in my mind of what I want you to be, what I need you to be.

In your eyes I stare, not in deep conversation but in search to see if you are real. Infatuation and curiosity compel me to touch, but my heart holds me back because I love the way I feel when I’m around you. You are the stuff of my dreams, and I would rather live in those dreams than to be disappointed by reality.

So for now I will immerse myself in everything the idea of you gives me, but from a distance. I will enjoy every second of our brief conversations, and every word that falls from your lips. I will enjoy your mind, and dance with your sweet spirit, I will even celebrate your magnanimous body., but all from a distance

Because for now, you will continue to be, my crush