It hurts to be humbled

I can’t recall the last time I felt so defeated, so broken, so down. I had set my sights on a goal that seemed unlikely in the beginning, but through hard work it came to seem inevitable. It was mine, or so I believed, I only had to wait for it to be awarded to me. I am referring to the Distinguished Graduate award, and though its significance may seem of minuet stature to some, the thought of obtaining it meant the world to me. It meant so much to me because of what it could have symbolized in my life. Because I was given away at birth, it would have meant that I was worth something. Because i was a substandard student in public school, it would have meant that I too have the capacity to learn and excel just the same as others. It would have been a slap in the face of conventional thinking, which suggests that I am supposed to be a failure right now-all of these things I thought.

No one was more qualified than me I thought, nor could they possibly have a better story. Adopted, poor, poor education, war vet, on and on and on, ; and with all of that I made it to the top of the class. I just couldn’t understand it.

But no sooner than I could question God he gave me an answer. Later in the day I ran into a good friend, a woman of God. And within minutes of the conversation she brought something to my attention that really made me think, she said, “Jereme, you don’t seem yourself today-you seem…humble.”

Wow, what I revelation, I thought; because I had long since believed that I was a very humble person. But I guess it would be impossible for one who is filled with pride to see themselves for who and what they really are. I had to ask myself, am I hubris filled person? I thought back to the night of my interview for the award, how I psyched my self  up for it my hubris filled statements like, this is already mine-I’m just going in to retrieve it. I thought about how I looked at my competition as if they had not a thing on me, I saw them sitting down in the audience while I gave the commencement speech at the graduation, a privilege that comes along with the award.

Got showed me two things throughout this.

1.       Awards from men don’t validate his people, he does.

 

Despite my progresses and achievements I aimed to let this one award become the definition of who I am and had become. I’ve found that I’ve done this many times in my life, looking for validation on earth instead of through the eyes of God. One verse in the good book that comes to mind when I think of this is that of Mark 16: 18-20 which reads as follows,

 19“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 

The validation that comes from God is all we need, everything else last for only a short time, and is often soon forgotten. But God never forgets, and his awards are far greater than any plaque or recognition we receive here. We seem to get so caught up in how others see us that we let them carry our security, and when we do that it can equate to our own break down and self doubt, because what are you going to do when they walk away with it?

 

2.       It hurts to be humbled

 

When I first received the call that I hadn’t won the award,  that I had in fact I came in second-I cannot lie I felt like I wanted to quit. I felt as if I will always come in second, that I would never be quite good enough to reach the top spot. But I have recently learned that you are what you do repeatedly, and I am no quitter. And when the message given to me from the Lord resonated in my mind, I realized that God doesn’t give seconds to his people.  What he does is, he takes you through a process before places you where he has pre-ordained you to be in life. And in this case God had to humble me. I know what I am destined for, but it won’t work if my heart is filled with pride and hubris.

 

Though transformation at times can cause misery, it is often necessary to gain freedom.

 

I am but a lowly worm, but when God takes me though the stage of the cocoon, he transforms me into that beautiful butterfly which will be free to fully carry out his will.

 

“I may fail but I will NEVER quit”

 

-Jereme