But there’s no tears

Kind of like Janet Jackson in that movie, How did I get married

My chest ignites in your presence, cold sweat buds from my brows, and my muscles tremble beneath my skin. I can barely function and my knees weaken by the second.

I ‘m within an arms length of you, reaching out, desperately hoping to grasp hold of some of what makes you, you

Inches closer now and within the aura of your sweet fragrance.

I can’t help but to close my eyes and be taken back to dreams of heaven. Within the limits and boundaries of my mortal and trivial mind, I bask in the glory of a place wherein every color in the spectrum is recognized as magnificently beautiful. The streets of gold are clouded by…clouds. And the air is filled with the soft sounds of a million angel chorus in praise of our king. Peace swiftly captivates me.

And for seconds more of it I would gladly exchange this short life.

You remind me of the few sweet moments of my childhood.

-deep breath-

Like a whiff of my grandmother’s German chocolate cake for my birthday

Or the way my mother would melt my heart in the midst of anger with a single kiss on the cheek

Flashes of my father tickling me until tears fell from my face and I couldn’t laugh anymore.

Flashes of the few family trips we took to the beach, and the feeling of for once, actually having a choice, it was either roger rabbit, or wet and wild.

Your sweet scent continues to take me back to beautiful instances, like the first time I made my father proud, or when my sister first looked into my eyes and said “I love you big brother”

(SNAP)

back into reality I realize that I’m just inches away,

In my mind I am praying to God “Give this to me, please, I need this.”

These words trigger something within myself, which is the realization that its been said before.

And past experiences tell me that I could be so wrong.

And if so, why is it that God is so willing to give me the desires he knows will set me back.

Why give me this job when you know I’m going to hate it

Why give me extra sleep when you know I’m going be late.

Why give me this car when you know I can’t handle the bill

Why give me a sister when you know she is going to get on my nerves

But most importantly, why give me a love that you know will eventually and inevitably break and disappoint me.

Just a hair away and an overwhelming sense of completeness begins to embrace me tighter than night embraces the moon in order to illuminate its dark skies, because even the night enjoys the beauty of this magnificent and pulchritudinous world. It feels like every beautiful emotion that God created, magnified, energized, amplified, is running wild through my mind, body, and soul. I’m going crazy.

Like the moment I was pulled from depths of those cold waters, seconds away from submitting to its unrelenting will to capture my last breath and rest my body at the bowels of it’s existence. Like the moment that bullet with my name written on it screamed in misery, disgust and disbelief at the fact that it missed its mark. Like the moment I fell to my knees before the throne of God, seeking from him forgiveness and the creation of a clean heart within me. Just like those moments, I feel saved.

Like the moment I found out I was given away, but to a family that accepted me so much so as its own that to this day I still don’t believe it. Like the bite of a cool apple in the midst of a dry and fiery desert, and like the earth of this country that I kissed vehemently upon returning from a war in which thousands have already been killed. Like all of those moments, I feel blessed.

AL-MOST-THERE

But before I can touch you, you turn around and impress upon me a smile brighter than the sky on Easter morning when everything just feels…right.

And though I delight in your smile I’m forced to pause for a moment and think about the fact that…I don’t know you.

You are what children dream of and what adults look back on with laughter. You are everything I have ever wanted, but know little of. You are what you are because of what I have constructed in my mind of what I want you to be, what I need you to be.

In your eyes I stare, not in deep conversation but in search to see if you are real. Infatuation and curiosity compel me to touch, but my heart holds me back because I love the way I feel when I’m around you. You are the stuff of my dreams, and I would rather live in those dreams than to be disappointed by reality.

So for now I will immerse myself in everything the idea of you gives me, but from a distance. I will enjoy every second of our brief conversations, and every word that falls from your lips. I will enjoy your mind, and dance with your sweet spirit, I will even celebrate your magnanimous body., but all from a distance

Because for now, you will continue to be, my crush

At the first Subway I spotted the attendant eating before I came up. When he noticed me he took one last big bite before putting the sandwich down. He then wiped his hands on his clothes and proceeded to put on a pair of gloves. When he was finished he stood at the ready, one problem, he had a mound of mayonnaise on his chin. When I told him he simply wiped it off with his shoulder. I then put my finger up [signaling one second] turned around, and walked away.

With my stomach still turning I went to the second Subway. Before I took one good step in the door , the sight of a messy, messy, food area would lead me to pivot right back to the direction of my car.

At yet the third subway , while everything looked refreshingly delightful, there was no meat for my cold cut combo, at least not up front. Luckily there was some in the back, but wouldn’t you know it, the attendant went to fetch it with the same gloves he would inevitably use to construct my sandwich. Before I could walk away he had already begun my Sub, so I settled, thinking this was probably the best I could get.

I have worked in produce fields ranging from Green Peppers to Squash, I have also worked in janitorial services, markets, two McDonald’s, etc. And no matter how degrading or undistinguished those jobs may seem, I have always maintained a principle that my father instilled in the core of me, that being, whatever job I take, I will do my best and take pride in my work.

So many people take their jobs for granted which is a shame because not only are their people who need jobs, but there are people with the inability to work a job because of circumstances like physical deficiencies or a lack of the mental capacity required to carry out simple tasks.

I say this, Stop slacking, groaning, half-A**ing and, complaining about your jobs, you took it now live up to the hype that you served in your interview. Take pride in your work people. God blesses those that that are faithful with the little things.

“Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things”

–Matthew 25:21

My eyes stay out of focus because of the inability to make up my mind on what I want to look at.
Should I study your hair? That for some reason doesn’t seem necessary to magnify your beauty
yet and still, it embodies beauty
Should I gaze at your lips? Not in imagination of a desired kiss, but in adoration of a smile that I would do anything for.
Or should I stare into your eyes? only to spend a lifetime if necessary, seeking to touch that magnificent soul.

Before I can make up my mind you interrupt my thoughts with a question,
I respond with something silly because my brain isn’t working quite right.
“That was so stupid!” I say to myself merely seconds after those silly words slipped from my lips
But you are still smiling that gorgeous smile, indescribable by any sentence that I could ever formulate with this pen.

Before long you leave.
The moment was short as they usually are, however I am left with a feeling of your presence;
that and the memory of you allowing me to serve you.
I think of that moment form time to time, and how I would love to continue doing so for a lifetime.
The only compensation I would ever need is that smile.

Moments, hours, and days later, your presence still surrounds me along with the what ifs that have come to mind…

Alas I can not finish this poem,
It flows from the bowels of my heart to which I even have no access
Only in your presence does it open and spew out these words

I may now and forever simply admire you from a distance with no intentions of an advance
But i shall and will always enjoy the feeling of being near

To make a short story even shorter, whenever we ‘trainees’ make a mistake on one of the documents we work with he brings it to our attention by coming out of NOwhere and placing it in our face and then asking “is this yours?” once we confirm he arrogantly tosses it on the desk and says “find what’s wrong with it…”{ya had to be there}

He did that to me and after I fixed the problem I went directly to his office to correct him, I told him that when I wish to give him something I hand it to him, and he should pay that same respect. Though it turned into a somewhat heated debate, I demanded my respect and did not walk out of his office without it. But the next day he sent out a MASS e-mail excusing himself, claiming that he does this due to a medical problem and means no harm.  The e-mail was disingenuous at best because if he can hold it up to my face he can hand it to me. Even more, he HAD to end the letter arrogantly with [‘NUFF SAID]. When people read the note they automatically said…must be Jereme—and I say, you gyat dern right! Cause they KNOW…

I can not, will not, and shall not be disrespected by anybody at anytime!

 This may have been a small incident but I know from experience that people will try you, and the more you let them get away with, the further they are going to go. Give them a hand and they will take your arm they say, well I don’t give them a DERN thing! A relationship with your management works just like any other, in the sense that when you let people THINK you NEEEED them, they will take advantage of you.

Take for example your schedule, you had those dates SET on your application, 6 months later they got you working crazy hours! That’s because YOU let them get away with an hour here and an hour there, now you’re all over the dern place, struggling, and they couldn’t care less—they getting’ paid.

I dunno, I’m just venting

I’m talking about when we just can’t let go. Using the spark of hope in a woman, or the love she may still have to keep them on our ropes; debilitating them in other relationships by not allowing them to fully move on.

I’m sure you know what that means, and probably have experienced it first hand, so I won’t get into that, instead I’m writing about severing those ties, even when it hurts.

It takes a mature, informed, and disciplined man to walk away from a failed relationship the right way. That means totally letting that woman go so that she can properly heal and move on. When we find out that that there is someone else, there is an impulse to grab back at her heart, even when we know that there is no chance of a renewed relationship.

To keep this short, my advice is,

For the men-Cut it off completely (that means phone, Facebook, Myspace, etc.), it’s hard I know, but you have to let her go—it’s only fair. Most likely you have moved on, so let her do the same. She will feel like you never cared because of this abrupt act, but you know what is best, and you have to go through with it.

For women-Cut him off completely. That tends to be easy for women in the very beginning while the novelty of new love remains, but when that cloud clears and small reminders of the past takes them back to a sweet memory of their former lover they become vulnerable, and trust me, the ex will know and use it. Just leave him alone, and don’t let him bother you. You will want to keep a friendship, but it will most likely lead to trouble; and why take that risk?

FEAR & SECURITY

When we are single we tend to think negatively about our current situation, and the future (relationship wise). I am a firm believer that men tend to dwell too much on where their next sexual encounter is going to come from, while women worry about never finding a good man and reaching the crown goal of getting married.

We men fear facing a sexual drought; we probably spend at least 70% of our days thinking about sex, admiring a woman’s body, or bragging with the boys about what may have or may not have happened. When we are getting dressed for the clubs we are thinking about women, when we are washing  our cars we are thinking about women, when we are prepping for work, school,  even church, we are thinking about women.  We are always on the hunt, and what is a relationship to someone who is always looking for sex, convenience. Now that’s not to say that we men jump into relationships simply for sex, but that is definitely seen as a plus, one that tends to offset the unattractive suggestion of commitment to most of us. It’s not the only reason we enter relationships, we do it for the long run just like women, but we don’t worry about the long run as much as women because we have certain advantages.

1. Women outnumber us overwhelmingly, so our fear of actually getting one is relatively small.

2. Women allow us to keep them on our string without wholeheartedly committing to a relationship. Many will argue that this isn’t true but think about this, a man has a better chance of getting his woman back after he has cheated than a woman getting her man back after cheating.

3. It is socially acceptable for a man to be promiscuous as oppose to a woman, who will be labeled as anything from a whore to a slut if she acts in the same way.

Women on the other hand, have a different problem. They spend a lot of the their time thinking about when their perfect guy is going to come along and sweep them off of their feet and whisk them away to their wedding day. The older they are the more fear they experience while they are single, a fear of never finding that man and living out the rest of their lives single or settling for something that falls well short of their dreams.

So this is all about security, men (At least the young ones) want to be to be secure that there sexual needs will always be met AND that they have a good woman when they are ready to settle down, and women want to be secure in the fact that they will have a lifelong partner, and that he will be a good man. We make a lot of mistakes seeking out security in the wrong

places. We must seek it from GOD and not another man or woman. Here is what happens we seek it out our way.

Titles like girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancé, husband and wife have been socially constructed to give people a sense of security. They let the world know that their significant other is taken, and once a person accepts that title it serves as a reminder that they belong to someone, and their playing days are over—well, supposedly. Women won’t usually go too far without a title, there can only be so many dates until she brings up the question “So what are we? What is this?” they feel that they need those titles to be secure in the relationship, but the reality of it is the fact that women hole more value to titles than men do. While women may be on her best behavior once they receive that title, nothing is really going to change much in a man’s mind unless he is really serious about the relationship. You see while a woman’s transition is at the snap of a finger, it takes a little while for a man to grasp the idea that he is now taken. This is why we often times here men say, “yeah I cheated, but it was in the beginning so it really doesn’t count.”

This is no secret; men understand this and use it to their advantage all the time. We give a woman the title that she desires in order to keep her home while we still go out to play. Yes ladies, we enter relationships just to lock you down, the good girl that we want to marry one day-but we just can’t get too serious with right now because we have to get the games out of our systems.

This is the wrong way to go about entering a relationship. No one should be forced into one, and no one should subject themselves to a relationship that is not giving them what they deserve.

Running away

Sometimes we run away from the pain of a broken relationship and into the arms of another, we call this a rebound. I’ve found that while we are in pain we leave ourselves vulnerable and open to new relationships. We need something to bandage the hurt left behind, and the best temporary solution to that is the novelty of a new relationship. It is especially dangerous when we fall in love, because our infatuation for a person can serve as a cloud for the pain or feelings remaining from the last relationship. But when the novelty of it all has melted away, and cloud of love in love has passed , all that junk will still be there, and will most likely be the cause for the demise of the rebound relationship.

LONLINESS

Once we grow accustomed to having someone in our lives, we tend to make them a part of who we are; in many cases we even make our lives about them. So when we are suddenly thrown into the singe life, we feel as though we are missing something. On top of being by one’s self, it is that void that has been left within that leaves us feeling even lonelier. Being lonely hurts, especially when we see others together-taking us back to what we once had. This applies to both men and women, because no one is immune to it, however different people do act differently in the situation. No one likes to be lonely, and many times we tend to jump into relationships prematurely in order to escape loneliness

I used to always say that I would rather be lonely than heartbroken; now, after experiencing the epitome of loneliness while overseas in Iraq, I don’t know if I feel quite the same way. Back then, while everybody had someone sending them letters, gifts and goodies, I got nothing. I didn’t even have anybody to chat with on AIM, so I just surfed through love connection sites for hours at a time. There is no shame in telling you that, because we all have our own crazy ways of going after things we are desperate for, and to be honest with you I would have done just about anything for a lil’ care package back then. We must learn not only how to be single, but how we can benefit from being alone.

]]> http://readjereme.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/premature-relationships-feedback-please/feed/ 2 readjereme http://readjereme.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/black-is-negative-black-is-beautiful/ http://readjereme.wordpress.com/2008/04/09/black-is-negative-black-is-beautiful/#comments Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:41:26 +0000 readjereme http://readjereme.wordpress.com/?p=48 ]]> I’m sure that everyone has heard, and most live by the fact that black attracts heat. Well up until today I thought the entire idea that a color can attract heat was absurd. Earlier today I got into a heated debate about the subject with a classmate, and I expressed my feelings towards it. I had never researched it for myself; I thought it would be a waste of time because again, the whole idea just seemed ridiculous. However after the entire class came to her defense to inform me, in detail, how wrong I was-I decided to check it out for myself.

To my great surprise, I found their argument to be true. Turns out, black does in fact absorb more heat because it is comprised of all colors in spectrum. And because of that, it absorbs all light which in turn creates an increase in heat. White on the other hand reflects all light. It is not comprised of any colors of the spectrum; white, ladies and gentlemen, stands alone.

This was disparaging news to me for two reasons. The first one being that I hate being wrong! However to my benefit, I did let her know that just because I didn’t believe it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true, hence the reason why I asked for scientific proof.

Secondly, the realization that there exists scientific proof (at least in one area), that everything black is identified with something negative: BLACK attracts heat, afraid of the DARK, BLACK Friday, BLACK cats, DARK soul, the BLACK plague, etc. We could go on all day finding negative things that are identified with the color black.

But there were also two ironies in this revelation!

1.       The teaching that black is beautiful is validated by this. The fact that it a mixture of all colors, gives its beauty an insurmountable value. It reminds me of our diverse culture, and how we as a people so easily identify and accept other cultures, well unless somebody is at our money, dignity, and/or freedoms.  We come in so many different flavors; I would even argue that we are the trend setters of this society. Also, most have no idea that the westernized black has cultural influences on people all over the world! We are intelligent, funny, and charismatic. We are thinkers, movers, workers and so much more. We are a beautiful people.

2.        How ironic is it that white reflects or rejects all other colors! Now if this isn’t a mirror image of at least our society…? One thing I have taken away from this institution so far, thanks to the teachings of Dr. Fon Gordon, is that there is nothing more American than race. Since this nation’s birth it has rejecting anything that doesn’t mirror the dominant discourse, which is whiteness, or more specifically, white men. When anybody with white skin comes to this country, over time they are labeled Americans. This includes: Europeans, polish, etc.  But people of color will always be labeled in direct accordance of it, i.e., Blacks-African American, Browns-Spanish Americans.

Even though America’s strength lies in its diverse elements, and is known as a “melting pot”, we know that those of color will never be absorbed in this society. In other words, we will not be fully accepted, only tolerated. And let’s be honest with ourselves, though we must give credit to those before us for our freedoms today, the fact remains that it was allowed. What could we possibly do if white America turned on us right now? If they decided that they made a mistake and should bring back slavery? We have little representation in government so what could they do? Most of us can only name one black politician-Barack Obama and guess what? He is the ONLY African American in the senate, and even he is half Caucasian. And what works much more against us is the fact that blacks alone only make up 12.8% of the U.S. According to a 2006 census. Would we ever go back to slavery? I couldn’t see it, but I do think that it is important for people of color to see exactly where they fit in this society. Or as whites said when it was *socially acceptable*, we must know our place.

 We are fighting a two front war, because we as people of color have to fight for everything we get in this society, and we have to fight to hold on to our own cultures instead of subjecting to that which holds the power over this nation, the dominant discourse.

It’s not easy, especially for men, because in the beginning women are the chosers. So if we want to be chosen we must be on our best behavior. We have to appear to be so many things at one time, handsome, smart, paid, honest, commiting, and the list goes on. And because we men are selective primarliy by what we see, women only have to be good-looking (at least in the beginning).

But i think we only harm ourselves when we do that, because that facade can only last so long. It’s around three to four months into the relationship that men start to fall off, and the woman is saying “why you don’t treat me like you used to!?!?!?!? you used to be this, you used to be that!” be in reality, all he was, was an image of what she was looking for in a man.

Again, it’s hard to not put up that image, but i’ve found that it only leads to disapointement and heartbrake. Besides, if you want somebody to love you for who you are, wouldnt it only makes sense to be…WHO YOU ARE???

A lot of first dates may not go to well with me lol, and that’s ok, because everybody is not meant for everybody, and good friends come out of it. But if people just keep it real from the beginning, i believe they will have a better chance of finding the one for them.

I was feeling a mix of things, but nervousness wasn’t one of them. I, along with most of the country,  was out for blood after the recent 9/11 attacks. I had no idea why we were headed to Iraq of all places, but as a young soldier all I knew was to support my leaders. It would be untruthful of me to imply that I wasn’t a little afraid, but it was only because of the possibility of me not returning home. But I couldn’t dwell too much on those feelings, I was a soldier, and the idea of actually going to war made me feel like one. I was ready for the first fight, for the first mission. I was ready to be a part of history.

After a short while of being in Iraq, we (the soldiers) had killed many Iraqis. By the way we reacted when we would hear of Iraqi deaths one would think we saw them as game, the more the better. Our hearts would go out to the family of 30 fallen soldiers, but we would celebrate at the fact that we at least killed 500 Iraqis.

By the second time I went to Iraq I began to question our efforts and our occupying of that country. More and more soldiers were dying, some including my very own friends, and for what? I asked. As we patrolled through the streets children threw rocks at us, and made gestures that are equivalent to the meaning of our middle fingers. Adults glared at us with hatred in their eyes, possibly contriving their next efforts to eradicating as many of us as they possibly could.

Can we blame them? I look at Iraq now with a heavy heart. Though I do believe these people are crazy, I understand that I am looking at them through the eyes of an American. Because of my experience with them I can’t see them as the terrorist caricatures that this administration and the media have made them out to be. They are, in fact, passionate people who are fighting for their way of life, which is very contrary to that of ours. They aren’t any worse than we would be if people were trying to inhabit our country and impose their will upon us.

I feel for every Iraqi that dies as a result of this unjust war. Through they are not all good people, they all have families. They are brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers, and so much more. These are people, human beings; my God I hope we end this war.

Sometimes things happen in the mind of the women that cause an abrupt change in their sexual behavior, and not in a way that would benefit their male counterpart. I’m talking about when they all of a sudden want to cut off the sex. There is one thing that you women must understand about men, MEN LOVE SEX, AND A LOT OF IT!!! Yeah he waited patiently for the first time, but you will see that kind of patience no more after that-he will undoubtedly unleash his full sex drive upon you, to the likes of which the inexperienced have never seen before. So in understanding that, you better be darn ready for what you about to get yourself into when you allow him into you for the first time. You are about to accept the responsibility of making sure he is always pleased. The dynamics of the relationship are about to change, and not entirely in your benefit! But we will get more into that later

For whatever reasons you may want to put a pause on the sex, be it newfound religion, fear of it becoming the foundation of you relationship, etc-please know that you are doing it at the risk of losing him. It’s okay to want to stop having sex because of your religious convictions, but don’t expect him to feel the same if he hasn’t had his own revelation; and trying to force one on him won’t help because his mind is on SEX, and we men generally don’t think well when that’s the case. Don’t snatch away sex because you think it is going to become all the relationship is about, believe me it’s a phase, and once that man is satisfied, and has taken his nap-you can get anything out of him. But a sexually frustrated man will produce nothing for your benefit. Sexual frustration causes us to think, why should I do this for her when she giving me what I need in rations? Or has cut it off?

So let me finish up because I know most can’t read too long past this far. But the point is-when you cut off sex, you cut off the relationship. Not saying it’s wrong, but just be prepared for it. He won’t just outright say that was a reason, but a major breakdown will occur in the relationship-and he will find a way out or he will cheat; just like women get what they need outside of a relationship-so do men. Of course I am speaking generally here; there are a few men out there that have that kind of patience, will, and respect-but good luck finding one!

Close your legs kill the relationship.

Remind me to write about doing it when you “Don’t feel like it!”